Sometimes I just need a hug

I've rencently turned 30 and I still believe in the power of hugs.

There are times when you just need a hug.

When you don't want to have to ask for it, or even look all that sad like you need one

It's the times, when you are around someone that just KNOWS you need a hug. 

Tonight I needed a hug, in fact I've needed one for about 2 weeks. I've needed him, his love, his touch and all I get are the same words...

I don't ask for much, I just want to be held, to feel that he wants to hold me and kiss me.

Love is expression, not just words.

That's all I want in life. To be with someone that wants to tackle me to the ground and love me to pieces.

I cried today. I don't cry very often as a result of my feelings, anxiety, stress, sure I'll cry, but my emotions, rarely... But I did cry today.

I am all his and I don't feel like he wants me. His mind must be on someone else or maybe he can't tell me I am not what he want.

It's sad. It's frustrating. It's going to drive me over the edge. I can feel myself falling.

And I don't care...

Sometimes, you just have to let go

When I was younger, there were tan M&Ms. Growing up in the suburbs of CT as a hispanic youth, the tan M&Ms were the only thing aroumd me close to my skin color. We bonded.

In 1995, when Mars decided to throw the tan M&M under the bus, I was a little upset. The promotion Mars offered the public, was a chance at choosing the new color: Blue, Pink, or Purple.

I wanted it to be Purple. I VOTED Purple. I just KNEW it was going to be purple. But, like the 2004 election, my hopes were crushed. The winner was BLUE. I was devastated.

I swore never to eat a blue candy ever again in protest. For almost 14 years, I kept that promise to myself.

You think I am kidding? I'm dead ass serious. I NEVER ate the blue M&Ms or anything colored blue. EVER.

The other day, soemthing horrid happened. I stopped to use the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I seen my ENTIRE mouth was BLUE. I froze.

Thoughts rushed through my head. How did this happen? This is a setup! Why?!

And then it hit me. I had grabbed a handful of Airheads from a package and I unknowingly grabbed a blue one and ATE IT. And, like salt in a fresh wound, it was GOOD.

I know, the HORROR.

A part of me died that day.

Long live the tan M&M.

Sometimes, I don't understand anyone

I am very intuitive. I'm not bragging, I just am. It's a mixed blessing.

Every once in awhile though, someone comes along and leaves me just, befuddled.

I guess we all assume that, lets say, if I were upset with a person for ruining an event by getting drunk, that the person wouldn't hound me to come speak with them a few days later and be... drunk when I finally agreed.

For this example, it just seems logical to me, that the person would be sober.

But that's where the befuddling begins. There are times, I just don't get people...

/short thought.

Sometimes I want to drink till I pass out

I am not very emotional. I don't like cuddling. I don't do romantic. I like the truth. I like reality. Those people that sugar coat their lives with chocolate candies and roses, they make me want to puke.

Life is not sweet nor rosy.

Today, I took a drive. One of those drives that you take when you really don't have to go anywhere, but you just need "you" time and sadly the only place to get some freaking quiet is in your car. So I drove. And I ended up at the liquor store. I'm not an alcoholic or anything and frankly, I wouldn't be a good one. I don't like to yell or engage in confrontations. I don't like random sex with strangers. I don't enjoy forgetting hours or even days of my life. That's just not my style.

I'd be one shitty alcoholic.

I couldn't even be an alcoholic if I wanted to, so I admire all those that can be.

Somewhere along the line, we decided it would be a grand idea to have extended family come stay with us that were going through a hard time. Like I just said, I'm not emotional, but dagnabit, if I am not a sucker sometimes.

Years later, I am stuck sharing my land with nitwits.

What the hell is a nitwit? I think people use words alot of the time and don't even realize what they actually mean. I know I do it all the time and most likely come across as a complete...nitwit? Maybe... I searched Google and found that nitwit is an actually word. Who would of thought. It means a silly, stupid person.

I can deal with silly or stupid, but not both.

When I said nitwit, I meant lying, drunk thieves, so I have yet again come across nitwitical.

I sat here thinking about why people lie today and I understand some types of lies. Your age, your weight, how much you make, go ahead, lie your ass off, I could really care less.

But where do we cross the line? Most people tolerate those types of "white lies", but they are all lies aren't they? Who is declaring what lies are ok? Is there some sort of spreadsheet that states a tolerable lie verse a intolerable one? Why haven't I seen it? If not, how can we use such a general term as a "white lie?". And why white? Seems a little shady and a tad racist if you ask me.

I was curious about how the term "white lie" was coined so I turned to Wikipedia and was confronted with this massive lists of all different "types of lies" which lead me to this conclusion:

Wiki is all-knowing.

and

WTF?

Here they are:


Bold-faced lie
    A bold-faced (often also referred to as bare-faced or bald-faced, although all three have slightly different meanings) lie is one which is told when it is obvious to all concerned that it is a lie. For example, a child who has chocolate all around his mouth and denies that he has eaten any chocolate has told a bold-faced lie.

Lying by omission

Lie-to-children

Fabrication

White lie

Noble lie

Emergency lie

Perjury

Bluffing

Misleading/Dissembling

Exaggeration

Jocose lies

Contextual lies

Puffery

Lying in Trade

Lie by obselete signage

( stars to anyone that can define those without looking )


So, apparently, there are many types of lies, but who cares? If you lie, you are a liar. There it is.

So I live with liars. For the sake of argument, I'll crown them "Bold Face Liars".

Because of the obviousness of their lies I am going to coin a new term "Bold Face Nitwit liars". Is that ok? Do I need to submit something in writing for my new term to become official?

Regardless, that is who they are. What is most baffling is that most liars think they are good liars. But that is never the case. Those that think they can lie are usually the worst at it and currently, are the subject of my angst.

My angst has many angles. First are the lies. Then, there is this whole matter of betrayal.

Lies and betrayal usually go hand in hand anyhow, but I believe I have found a whole new level, at least in my own selfish world, because it has to do with me.

After the close call with the lies, I had to check the all-knowing Wikipedia just to make sure I used the correct "type" of betrayal. It seems as if there is no clear definition of betrayal available.

Talk about land of the free man, betrayal is whatever I damn want it to be. Nice. No one should have this kind of power.

For my example, betrayal will be defined as: when one person explains things in a way they have never have before, revealing personal flaws, insecurities and showing pure vulnerability and then the other person, henceforth known as the betrayer, ruins the moment, by displaying abnormal and, or bizarre behavior, such as a loud, echoing fart.

That's betrayal.

Who's to blame? The burrito at lunch or the nitwit that opened their mouth?

I blame the girl at the liquor store for having Absolut Vodka on sale.

Sometimes I hate other parents

I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect. Nor do I pretend either is true.

But there are those parents, that really think there kids are perfect. I'm not sure what type of mental disorder that personality trait is linked with, but it's really annoying.

My next door neighbor suffers from this disorder.

First, my neighbors kids are bratty and whiny. They run and tell their Dad anytime my kids won't let them get their way. And they only tell one side of the story, theirs. And he's convinced they can do no wrong.

Tonight, my husband put huge cramp in his "my kids do not wrong" muscle.

My youngest daughter is mischievous, to say the least. We have an privacy fence around our property and my youngest daughter was "spying" on the neighbors kids through the fence. She was tossing pebbles over the fence to "scare them". They seen her and they all starting throwing them back.

Well, at some point, another boy, that lives in an different neighborhood, starting chucking the pebbles at my youngest. And things kinda looked like they might escalate from there from what was said.

My neighbors youngest boy, decides go tell his Dad....

My daughter comes in and tell us what's going on. We talked about how things like that can lead taking someones eye out or a broken window even if you aren't aiming at anyone...

As we are talking, my neighbor marches over here, telling my husband about my youngest throwing the rocks, like it was just her violently chucking boulders in their yard...

And then, my neighbor flat out says, "Well, I know MY kids would NEVER do that, they know better..."

My husband, says, "Hold on there buddy, my daughter told me that your son was doing the same thing and my daughter has no reason to lie about that..."

My neighbors face turned pretty pale at that point and he said went back to his house to ask his son if that was true..

Minutes later, he returns, with his crying child who admits to throwing the pebbles too.

Now, my youngest should not of been throwing anything near anyone. She says she was throwing them where they would hear them - not at them and coming from someone who feels bad eating a chocolate bunny, I don't believe she's the violent type...

I don't think my neighbors kids are that way either, I think they got scared of the other boy and decided to tell on my daughter for whatever reason...I mean, if you are going to be a whiny baby, at least be logical about it and tell on the older boy...

I don't know how he can be in such denial about his children. He really believes his kids can do no wrong. He wants to believe that because he believes, everything his kids do, is a reflection on him. So nuts.

I want to believe my kids do no wrong, but that's not the case all the time. And I'm ok with that.

Sometimes I act like I am 10

Sometimes I act like I am 10

I acted with complete and total passive-aggressiveness to a 12 year old. And then, laughed about it.

My daughter is 11 and is very trusting. I try telling her everyone but Jesus is evil and to scream "Stop touching me!!!" if any male looks at her for more then 3 seconds...but like most children, she likes to find out the hard way.

My daughter has this "friend", I'll call her "K", I pegged her from day one as a little trouble maker. She has those eyes, the ones that want to sell you a car at a "rock bottom price" of 3x what the car is even worth...

I talked to her mother once and she said "K" is not allowed to be alone anywhere because she might call boys up to meet her and "kiss on them". That statement alone caught me wayyyy off guard. What 11 year old child (at the time) is running around kissing boys, let alone enough that you, as a mother, are genuinely "on the lookout" for it...? And don't even come at me with "she was just worried", she said it in a way that made it to be a fact she didn't want repeated.

As the months went on, I found out more and more about this child that made me want my daughter to be far, far FAR away from her...A child in 6th grade should not be "dating" let alone "dating" a new boy each week.

But, my daughter is trusting. She wants to see the good in people, whereas, I might turn on you for putting too much mayo on my tuna. I tried to warn her about "K".

My daughter has a "mini-blog" where she write silly things and talks with her friends. The "K" girls suggests that my daughter give "K" the password to my daughters account so she can "fix" her layout for her. (I think we all see where this is going...) To make a long story short, "K" deletes most of my daughters content, deletes her friends and changes all the blank space on her page to homosexual references. Yes, homosexual  phrases that made my daughter cry. First thought? Straight to "K's" house and level the door to the ground.

My daughter confronts "K" and "K" replies with "I didn't do anything, maybe no one likes you anymore."

At this point, my anger turns to sympathy and I feel sorry for "K"...but.. seconds later, I get over feeling sorry for "K", report her blog for some inappropriate content and the next day, her profile gets deleted forever. I smile.

Meanwhile, my daughter doesn't and will never know what I did, well never is a strong word, I'll save this story for the appropriate time, like for her wedding toast.

When she told me the news today, I just replied: "Karma".

*shrug*