Sometimes I look back

Sometimes memories are fond. Sometimes memories just suck.

I'm on the fence as to which I'd pick to describe my past memories.

I'm still looking for that girl that's inside of me that was delighted with life in general.

Have you seen her? If you have, tell her to come back please...

Sometimes, I just don't know..

Which is worse in a relationship?

To believe in something so badly that you fail to see the truth?

OR

To know something is a lie and be a willing participant anyhow?

Sometimes, I am wrong.

Sometimes, I feel like living life to the fullest, somedays, I just don't care.

Today, I don't care.

Sometimes I have to catch myself

Some days are just flat out harder than others...

I recently gave up a friendship with someone that I felt very close to and cared very much about, yet, the friendship was very one sided and I tired of feeling "less then".

But I have noticed recently that this former friend has been making serious efforts with another person to be friends with them. And this bothers me. I know that whoever this person is, they will tire too of my former friends selfish ways. But still, it hurts my feelings to see the effort they are putting into their "new friendship"...

I suppose part of the reason is that right before all this happened, my former friend promised to try harder to be a better friend to me. And I got shafted. I guess I didn't lose out all that much, if this is what our friendship means to them.

This person is NOT good for me. My former friend rejects, then stomps on any feelings I have. I was constantly anxious and upset. I starting getting almost depressed. And still, they find a way to drag me down - even outside of our former friendship. I know it's my own fault, for caring at all...

I know it's a stupid thing to let bother me. I know that my former friend is not worth getting upset over. But I am human, I have rational and irrational feelings.

I wanted to go out a grab a drink - go make myself some new friends...But, I know I need to deal with how I feel about this former friendship ending first. I'm not going to go look for the answers at the bottom of a bottle, because, I know they are not there.

I almost slipped. But, I caught myself...

Sometimes you just have to get over yourself

Sometimes I put myself first, sometimes I put myself last, sometimes I don't even think about myself.

I have been putting off a task for weeks, using as many excuses as I could imagine ( AND I am quite creative.. ) to reason with myself why I couldn't get this certain task done. It was stirring in my brain for weeks, making me insane. Finally yesterday, I casually ranted to a friend about what I was feeling about this task, but as I re-read what I wrote in my message, I realized how ridiculous I sounded. So, when I awoke this morning, I got that task done.

Today, I stopped bitching about nonsense and got things done. Then, I went outside, got sprayed by a garden hose and just laughed.

That's a good day.

Sometimes I don't know which way to go

I always hear about "the fork" in the road of life, the one where you make some life altering decision...

Well, my "fork" is more like a four way intersection complete with a crosswalk, sidewalk and a bicycle path.

What if I just stay put? Life will still go on. Do I really have to choose a road?!

I think, I'll just stand here and whistle softly to myself.

sometimes I am impulsive...

A few days ago, I was driving in a town I use to live in, when I decided to stop at a house.

Why I stopped there I may never be able to answer, but I don't regret it.

Sometimes, I need to pretend I am someone else

It's not that I dislike who I am...I think I am a good person in general.

Just sometimes, I need to force a smile, when I want to scream.

I think that is pretending to be someone else...isn't it?

Sometimes, you have to let go

I can't honestly say that there are many people I deeply care about. As sad as that may sound, I can tell you that the people I do care deeply about, I care about those people with the most honest and sincere love you could ever imagine. Those very few people are the reason I smile, I cry, I laugh and I live.

But sometimes, loving too much or feeling too close to a person, can cause my emotions to become too vulnerable. And I am not the sort of person to let something just "slip by" if I feel hurt. I voice how I feel, when I feel it, because I feel that people I care about, will care about how I feel, just like if a person I cared about voiced their concerns to me, I'd listen.

And I have listened. I have come to realize, that I care too much sometimes and that by doing so, I allow others to effect my entire being to the point I fall apart. I've fallen apart. I've allowed myself to be weak in the sense that I am allowing another person to have complete control of my emotions in response to their actions and words. That's not me.

I'm not that person. Or perhaps I am. Either way, I can't be anymore.

I will let go...

Sometimes I can't sleep

And by sometimes, I mean EVERY NIGHT. I tried to play my guitar to try to relax, but I pulled something in my upper arm today doing, of all things, LAUNDRY, so that isn't working.

I have a Rx to help me fall asleep, but hell if I want to ingest more poison. Although, not being able to fall asleep can be quite annoying.

My anxiety has been...better. It's so funny to me, how I really never knew I even had anxiety till I stopped consuming alcohol. Of course, I always HAD anxiety and just masked it WITH the alcohol...You really get to know yourself when you are completely sober.

My priorities change daily lately. I'm everywhere it seems, trying to do this and that. It's hard on the mind at times, but that's life. I deal.

I love getting old. It's such a blessing.

Sometimes I just want to run into a wall

It's 3:43am and I must vent or else I don't believe I'll be able to sleep...

RANT #1: Sears. I bought a new washer and mattress from my not so local Sears store a week ago. The washer purchase was perfectly smooth. In and out of that department in less then 30 minutes.

3 HOURS later we bought a mattress also from the same Sears store. The reason it took so long was because Sears tried adding on an additional $100 to our purchase!! The manager was so unhelpful, that my husband had to seriously walk him over to the sign in the store to show the manager WHY we were overcharged. We FINALLY were given our $100 credit and left...

Then. The day before the mattress was to be shipped, we called to confirm and a Sears customer rep informed us that they had lost our order. LOST IT?! So our mattress still isn't here yet, but Sears was nice enough to send us a giftcard. Ok I'm over all that, really... BUT THEN...

I tried to use the giftcard Sears sent me online to purchase a few items and when I proceeded to pay Sears.com with my Paypal account for the remaining balance -- Sears.com indicated that my Paypal payment wouldn't go through and to try a different form of payment. Well, I almost entered my credit card number but I KNEW I had way more in that account to cover my purchase so I checked my Paypal Account and low and behold my Paypal account shows that my payment to Sears.com has been authorized... SIGH.

I proceeded to send a colorful, yet polite email to Sears.com customer service because I knew I would of lost it if I had to speak with someone...

RANT #2: EBAY

This lady buys some bookmarks from me for $5 on Ebay. She then opens a dispute when the item doesn't come quick enough for her and then closes the dispute before I even had a chance to respond stating she had the item now. Fine, whatever.

BUT. She then leaves me negative feedback on my profile for "SLOW SHIPPING". My Ebay profile HAD a (69) 100% POSITIVE feedback score that I have obtained over many years... Fine, whatever.

BUT NOW -- she's trying to REVERSE the $5 payment she sent me -- 13 days AFTER she said that she already has the item and that all was good.

What the hell is wrong with people...?

I then had to obtain all my evidence ( screenshots of her saying the item was in her possesion from my feedback, customer service emails, etc ) and upload it for review.

If she had just emailed me to let me know that she was upset about the shipping, she had a 99.9% chance of me just refunding the purchase price and been done with it. I'm really nice like that. I mean, it was $5...

BUT NOW... she has a 0% chance of seeing ONE RED CENT FROM MY ASS. I'm really hateful like that and I'll make it my mission to ensure that my previous statement, becomes a fact.

*SCREAMS*

Sometimes it's just all poop

Today was one of those days that I knew was coming, and that I was desperately trying to avoid, but happened anyhow.

To begin, I have a "redonkulous" headache.

To continue, I have mixed feelings about my situation. I care enough that it bothers me, but not enough to do anything about it. It's a rough place to be because I did care at one point. I cared more then I can ever put into words, but after months of growing indifference, I just came to the point that I can't care anymore. It's not that I can't care, because I could, I just can't see myself wanting to put anymore wasted effort in. And it's not that I don't want to, because I do, there just isn't any point in trying anymore.

Albert Einstein said:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

And that's what I've been doing...

To conclude, it's completely my own fault, I suppose. And I don't know what is worse: that I knew better, that I gained nothing, yet lost nothing, or that apart of me still cares while the other part says screw it.

Now, in the morning, I do not know what to expect. There could be resolution, revelation, or just regret. My actions will influence the result and frankly, I just want to sabotage the entire unavoidable event when this pathetic situation is either dragged on or finally put to rest.

Sometimes I need an "E" for effort.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I hate sharing my feelings. I really do. It makes me stumble and stutter and it seems that normal words do not want to come out. And than I get that overwhelming feeling that I am just so silly that I have to put a big bag over my head so that no one sees me. I feel the ground splashing away under me and I fall into a big gap - the gap to nowhere. Deep inside the earth where it is hot and the devil might wink at me...

My life changed in late 2005 and has never been the same since. I was dead set on going back to school pre med. That prior year, I had started at the bottom, obtaining my EMT-B certification just to get the basics in and I was looking forward to starting my journey. For many, many reasons outside of my control, I didn't get to go back to school that fall, or ever actually... 

Something was lost in 2005. It was me. I've never quite found myself, although on occasion, I'll might catch a glance of my former self.

 ( that's the best I can do today... )

continued...

I really didn't notice how lost I really was, until I found an old journal I had kept up to that point just yesterday. As I read line after line of my own words, I was jealous of this person that was so full of life and ready to take on the world.

The hardest part for me to read was when I was writing about my time when I was taking my EMT courses. I truely enjoyed that experience. The people I met, the feeling of accomplishment when I passed my exams and the future I envisioned.

It's easy to look back and remember just the positive, but I wrote events as they happened, both the positive and the negative. But what is lost is not events or the people around me at the time, it is that person inside of me. 

It's hard to imagine I'd ever feel like a stranger to myself. But I suppose so much time has gone by, I had forgotten that I had such passionate beliefs, so much love to give and a wicked sense of humor. I forgot, that I was once driven by simple curiousity, that I could do anything I set my mind to, and I lived every day to the fullest while also trying to get those around me to do the same.

The part that was just devastating, was reading about my negative feelings about another person I knew at the time. This person I described in my writing, is just like the person I have become today. I became the type of person that I couldn't even be around back then.

/breaktime...

Sometimes I get lost

I feel like a train that is on a course of continuous threatening derailment, but yet never derails. Like I'm just riding along the tracks edge...

It's not that I am depressed really, or even sad, just...waiting for a light breeze to send my train plummeting into the valley below.

Ok, Ok, maybe that's a tad bit overdramatic, I suppose..

Choo-f'n-Choo...

sometimes I don't get it

My friend said to me: "You have it made..."

It's amazing how two people can look at the same situation and one will think "having it made" and the other will think "pretty crappy"...

On a different subject, I think my fever is up to 102, maybe 103 as of now... I had the A/C on while snow flurries passed outside the window...

FOUR days of having the same symptoms of a patient with severe head trauma ( -head trauma ) can pretty much drive a person insane.

Sometimes I lead, sometimes I follow

It's much harder in life to do the "right" thing.

But sometimes the "right" thing can bein a very grey area...

And the "right" thing may only be right for one party, causing even more confusion on what really is "right".

I try to do what I believe is "right" based on my own beliefs and morals, without letting my emotions come into play. Other times, I know what the "right" thing is, but I selfishly ignore it and make the choice to just follow along...

I'm not perfect.

Do you lead? Or do you follow?

Sometimes I just need a hug

I've recently turned 30 and I still believe in the power of hugs.

There are times when you just need a hug.

When you don't want to have to ask for it, or even look all that sad like you need one...

It's the times, when you are around someone that just KNOWS you need a hug. 

Tonight I needed a hug, in fact, I've needed one for about 2 weeks. I've needed him, his love, his touch and all I get are the same words...

I don't ask for much, I just want to be held, to feel that he wants to hold me and kiss me.

Love is expression, not just words.

That's all I want in life. To be with someone that wants to tackle me to the ground and love me to pieces.

I cried today. I don't cry very often as a result of my feelings, anxiety, stress, sure I'll cry, but from my emotions, rarely... But I did cry today.

I am all his and I don't feel like he wants me. His mind must be on someone else or maybe he can't tell me I am not what he want.

It's sad. It's frustrating. It's going to drive me over the edge. I can feel myself falling.

And I don't care...

Sometimes, you just have to let go

When I was younger, there were tan M&Ms. Growing up in the suburbs of CT as a hispanic youth, the tan M&Ms were the only thing aroumd me close to my skin color. We bonded.

In 1995, when Mars decided to throw the tan M&M under the bus, I was a little upset. The promotion Mars offered the public, was a chance at choosing the new color: Blue, Pink, or Purple.

I wanted it to be Purple. I VOTED Purple. I just KNEW it was going to be purple. But, like the 2004 election, my hopes were crushed. The winner was BLUE. I was devastated.

I swore never to eat a blue candy ever again in protest. For almost 14 years, I kept that promise to myself.

You think I am kidding? I'm dead ass serious. I NEVER ate the blue M&Ms or anything colored blue. EVER.

The other day, soemthing horrid happened. I stopped to use the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I seen my ENTIRE mouth was BLUE. I froze.

Thoughts rushed through my head. How did this happen? This is a setup! Why?!

And then it hit me. I had grabbed a handful of Airheads from a package and I unknowingly grabbed a blue one and ATE IT. And, like salt in a fresh wound, it was GOOD.

I know, the HORROR.

A part of me died that day.

Long live the tan M&M.

Sometimes, I don't understand anyone

I am very intuitive. I'm not bragging, I just am. It's a mixed blessing.

Every once in awhile though, someone comes along and leaves me just, befuddled.

I guess we all assume that, lets say, if I were upset with a person for ruining an event by getting drunk, that the person wouldn't hound me to come speak with them a few days later and be... drunk when I finally agreed.

For this example, it just seems logical to me, that the person would be sober.

But that's where the befuddling begins. There are times, I just don't get people...

/short thought.

Sometimes I want to drink till I pass out

I am not very emotional. I like the truth. I like reality. Those people that sugar coat their lives with chocolate candies and roses, they make me want to puke.

Life is not sweet nor rosy.

Today, I took a drive. One of those drives that you take when you really don't have to go anywhere, but you just need "you" time and sadly the only place to get some freaking quiet is in your car. So I drove. And I ended up at the liquor store. I'm not an alcoholic or anything and frankly, I wouldn't be a good one. I don't like to yell or engage in confrontations. I don't like random sex with strangers. I don't enjoy forgetting hours or even days of my life. That's just not my style.

I'd be one shitty alcoholic.

I couldn't even be an alcoholic if I wanted to, so I admire all those that can be.

Somewhere along the line, we decided it would be a grand idea to have extended family come stay with us that were going through a hard time. Like I just said, I'm not emotional, but dagnabit, if I am not a sucker sometimes.

Years later, I am stuck sharing my land with nitwits.

PAUSE: What the hell is a nitwit? I think people use words alot of the time and don't even realize what they actually mean. I know I do it all the time and most likely come across as a complete...nitwit? Maybe... I searched Google and found that nitwit is an actual word. Who would of thought. It means a silly, stupid person.

I can deal with silly or stupid, but not both.

When I said nitwit, I meant lying, drunken thieves, so I have yet again come across nitwitical.

I sat here thinking about why people lie today and I understand some types of lies. Your age, your weight, how much you make, go ahead, lie your ass off, I could really care less.

But where do we cross the line? Most people tolerate those types of "white lies", but they are all lies aren't they? Who is declaring what lies are ok? Is there some sort of spreadsheet that states a tolerable lie verse a intolerable one? Why haven't I seen it? If not, how can we use such a general term as a "white lie?". And why white? Seems a little shady and a tad racist if you ask me.

I was curious about how the term "white lie" was coined so I turned to Wikipedia and was confronted with this massive lists of all different "types of lies" which lead me to this conclusion:

Wiki is all-knowing.

and

WTF?

Here they are:


Bold-faced lie
    A bold-faced (often also referred to as bare-faced or bald-faced, although all three have slightly different meanings) lie is one which is told when it is obvious to all concerned that it is a lie. For example, a child who has chocolate all around his mouth and denies that he has eaten any chocolate has told a bold-faced lie.

Lying by omission

Lie-to-children

Fabrication

White lie

Noble lie

Emergency lie

Perjury

Bluffing

Misleading/Dissembling

Exaggeration

Jocose lies

Contextual lies

Puffery

Lying in Trade

Lie by obselete signage

( stars to anyone that can define those without looking... )


So, apparently, there are many types of lies, but who cares? If you lie, you are a liar. There it is.

So I live with liars. For the sake of argument, I'll crown them "Bold Face Liars".

Because of the obviousness of their lies I am going to coin a new term "Bold Face Nitwit liars". Is that ok? Do I need to submit something in writing for my new term to become official?

Regardless, that is who they are. What is most baffling is that most liars think they are good liars. But that is never the case. Those that think they can lie are usually the worst at it and currently, are the subject of my angst.

My angst has many angles. First are the lies. Then, there is this whole matter of betrayal.

Lies and betrayal usually go hand in hand anyhow, but I believe I have found a whole new level, at least in my own selfish world, because it has to do with me.

After the close call with the lies, I had to check the all-knowing Wikipedia just to make sure I used the correct "type" of betrayal. It seems as if there is no clear definition of betrayal available.

Talk about land of the free man, apparently, betrayal is whatever I damn want it to be. Nice. No one should have this kind of power.

For my example, betrayal will be defined as: when one person explains things in a way they have never have before, revealing personal flaws, insecurities and showing pure vulnerability and then the other person, henceforth known as the betrayer, ruins the moment, by displaying abnormal and, or bizarre behavior, such as a loud, echoing fart.

That's betrayal.

Who's to blame? The burrito at lunch or the nitwit that opened their mouth?

I blame the girl at the liquor store for having Absolut Vodka on sale.

Sometimes I hate other parents

I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect. Nor do I pretend either is true.

But there are those parents, that really think there kids are perfect. I'm not sure what type of mental disorder that personality trait is linked with, but it's really annoying.

My next door neighbor suffers from this disorder.

First, my neighbors kids are bratty and whiny. They run and tell their Dad anytime my kids won't let them get their way. And they only tell one side of the story, theirs. And he's convinced they can do no wrong.

Tonight, my husband put huge cramp in his "my kids do not wrong" muscle.

My youngest daughter is mischievous, to say the least. We have an privacy fence around our property and my youngest daughter was "spying" on the neighbors kids through the fence. She was tossing pebbles over the fence to "scare them". They seen her and they all starting throwing them back.

Well, at some point, another boy, that lives in an different neighborhood, starting chucking the pebbles at my youngest. And things kinda looked like they might escalate from there from what was said.

My neighbors youngest boy, decides go tell his Dad....

My daughter comes in and tell us what's going on. We talked about how things like that can lead taking someones eye out or a broken window even if you aren't aiming at anyone...

As we are talking, my neighbor marches over here, telling my husband about my youngest throwing the rocks, like it was just her violently chucking boulders in their yard...

And then, my neighbor flat out says, "Well, I know MY kids would NEVER do that, they know better..."

My husband, says, "Hold on there buddy, my daughter told me that your son was doing the same thing and my daughter has no reason to lie about that..."

My neighbors face turned pretty pale at that point and he said went back to his house to ask his son if that was true..

Minutes later, he returns, with his crying child who admits to throwing the pebbles too.

Now, my youngest should not of been throwing anything near anyone. She says she was throwing them where they would hear them - not at them and coming from someone who feels bad eating a chocolate bunny, I don't believe she's the violent type...

I don't think my neighbors kids are that way either, I think they got scared of the other boy and decided to tell on my daughter for whatever reason...I mean, if you are going to be a whiny baby, at least be logical about it and tell on the older boy...

I don't know how he can be in such denial about his children. He really believes his kids can do no wrong. He wants to believe that because he believes, everything his kids do, is a reflection on him. So nuts.

I want to believe my kids do no wrong, but that's not the case all the time. And I'm ok with that.

Sometimes I act like I am 10

Sometimes I act like I am 10

I acted with complete and total passive-aggressiveness to a 12 year old. And then, laughed about it.

My daughter is 11 and is very trusting. I try telling her everyone but Jesus is evil and to scream "Stop touching me!!!" if any male looks at her for more then 3 seconds...but like most children, she likes to find out the hard way.

My daughter has this "friend", I'll call her "K", I pegged her from day one as a little trouble maker. She has those eyes, the ones that want to sell you a car at a "rock bottom price" of 3x what the car is even worth...

I talked to her mother once and she said "K" is not allowed to be alone anywhere because she might call boys up to meet her and "kiss on them". That statement alone caught me wayyyy off guard. What 11 year old child (at the time) is running around kissing boys, let alone enough that you, as a mother, are genuinely "on the lookout" for it...? And don't even come at me with "she was just worried", she said it in a way that made it to be a fact she didn't want repeated.

As the months went on, I found out more and more about this child that made me want my daughter to be far, far FAR away from her...A child in 6th grade should not be "dating" let alone "dating" a new boy each week.

But, my daughter is trusting. She wants to see the good in people, whereas, I might turn on you for putting too much mayo on my tuna. I tried to warn her about "K".

My daughter has a "mini-blog" where she write silly things and talks with her friends. The "K" girls suggests that my daughter give "K" the password to my daughters account so she can "fix" her layout for her. (I think we all see where this is going...) To make a long story short, "K" deletes most of my daughters content, deletes her friends and changes all the blank space on her page to homosexual references. Yes, homosexual  phrases that made my daughter cry. First thought? Straight to "K's" house and level the door to the ground.

My daughter confronts "K" and "K" replies with "I didn't do anything, maybe no one likes you anymore."

At this point, my anger turns to sympathy and I feel sorry for "K"...but.. seconds later, I get over feeling sorry for "K", report her blog for some inappropriate content and the next day, her profile gets deleted forever. I smile.

Meanwhile, my daughter doesn't and will never know what I did, well never is a strong word, I'll save this story for the appropriate time, like for her wedding toast.

When she told me the news today, I just replied: "Karma".

*shrug*